THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF DIVORCE WITH CHILDREN

This was previously published on my blog at www.afterdivorce.net. It's an important message to share!

For those of us unfortunate enough to have gone through a divorce, we know it is a tumultuous time in everyone’s life. For you, your ex, both of your extended families, and mostly your children. In fact, you may find yourself thinking and doing things that are out of character of your true self. If you talk to anyone who has gone through it, it is astounding how you will always hear “I don’t know who this person is anymore.” Sadly, they are right! Divorce is life altering and the person you once thought had your back, is the same person wanting to stab you in the back, at least in court.

It’s a fact that people going through divorce are usually more emotionally off keel (temporarily) due to the stress they are under.  Because of this they don’t always make rational decisions. However, when children are involved it is imperative to keep as much normalcy as possible for their sake and their long-term stability.

Below is a partial list I found online in an article from Lois Misiewicz (2011). This isn’t her complete list, I made quite a few additions and deletions. Keep in mind, these are not always easy to follow, but in the end taking the high road, even when you know your former spouse isn’t, will send clear signals to your children that they can trust and rely on you. Some of these may sound simple, but again, nothing is simple when it comes to divorce.

• The Do's:
  1. If you have children make sure they know they are not the reason for the divorce.
  2. Always show respect toward your spouse in front of your children (this could possibly be the most difficult).
  3. If you’ve moved into a new place, make your children feel and know that your new home is also their home.
  4. Don’t get hung up on who bought what clothes, shoes, jackets, etc. In the end try to remember it was bought for your children to wear when they want to wear it, not only when they are at your house.
  5. Remember that your children have a social life. They have soccer games, birthday parties and a life outside of you. It is important that their social life be as normal as possible.
  6. If you are going to use an attorney, choose one who is experienced in family law. A good divorce lawyer will know what is reasonable and what is not. Keep in mind that the proverbial “shark” is usually not the best choice when wanting to keep the peace.
  7. Be straightforward with your attorney. For your divorce attorney to do their job effectively and to keep a modicum of peace between the divorcing parents you must be open and honest, especially about financial and custody matters. Remember it’s what is best for the children, not you!
  8. Be practical and flexible. Finding the middle ground often results in a quicker and easier conclusion in divorce cases. Use common sense when deciding what to fight for and at what cost should you fight for it.
  9. Document everything that you might think will be important. Also, keep a journal of important dates and events.
  10. Get professional help if you need it to cope with the emotions of your divorce. Your children are NOT your shrink!
• The Don'ts

1. Social media is not the place to air your dirty laundry or keep a journal. Don’t
   give in to the temptation to “tell all” on Facebook or Twitter.
2. Though they may have good intentions, don’t listen to your friends who try to
   tell you what to do. That is your attorney’s job…. that’s what you’re paying
   them for.
3. Don’t pay your child support or spousal support late. Without saying it will

              create friction and the kids will hear about it.
        4. Your children should not know the details of your divorce… regardless of
              their age. They still have a right to love the other parent. Less is more here.
          5. If you are in a new relationship don’t expect your children to fall head over
               heels for that person just because you have. Keep your emotions at bay. In
               fact it would be best for your children to only meet people you see a future
          6. If you feel the need to talk trash about your spouse don’t do it when there is
               even a remote possibility your children will hear you (another very hard thing
              to do).
          7. Don’t question the children regarding the activities of your (ex) spouse. You
              are both done, so move on!
          8. You can't change what has already ready happened so don’t continually
               rehash the past. Try instead to learn from it for your future relationships.
         9. Your children are not messengers. Aside from putting them right in the
              middle, you are also relying upon the child to get the message to your spouse
              correctly and in the manner you meant it. Do your own communication.
       10. Don’t stop the children from seeing the other parent because he or she owes you money.

I know during the process I myself made a few blunders and did things I shouldn’t have. But as time wore on, I realized the only people I was hurting were those I loved the most: my children. If you try to adhere to this advice, you will find your behavior shifting toward rationality and maturity daily. Yes, it is easier said than done, but your child’s well-being is really on the line here, and in many respects, so is yours.

I would love to hear your stories or your comments.
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